Sarah’s Special Keto Cauliflower Bread

Sarah’s Keto cauliflower bread has become a staple of my new diet.  This ‘bread’ is physically satisfying and has resulted in a rapid and dramatic reduction of my glucose readings as I’ve substituted it for bread, crackers and pasta.  It leaves me so much more full than a simple slab of meat and a bowl of rabbit food that I now go six or eight hours and still feel full.

Google requires that I now tell you that you may not like this bread, may not improve your blood sugar numbers, may not lose weight, may not feel full, might and may invest more time in preparation than I estimate below.  Some of you will even find a way to hurt yourselves in the kitchen.

After you’ve read the recipe closely and studied the process at length, scroll to the bottom for a few more helpful observations and disclaimers.

Here’s the recipe:

  • One head of cauliflower
  • Two large eggs
  • 1/2 cup sharp cheddar (this is critical)
  • 1/2 mozzarella
  • 1/4 tsp ground black pepper
  • Pinch of salt
  • Optional seasonings.

Here’s the process, which your eight year-old daughter or 12 year-0ld son can handle on their own:

  1.  Start with your large head of cauliflower
  2. Break up the cauliflower into palm-sized portions
  3. Place the cauliflower into your food processor.  You will probably need to do half at a time.
  4. Process the cauliflower until you achieve a rice-like texture.  This is a good activity for a pre-pubescent child who likes loud noises and destroying things.
  5. Place the cauliflower in an oven-proof baking dish and bake for 20 minutes at 375F.
  6. Let the baked cauliflower cool for 15 minutes.
  7. Line a bowl with a thin kitchen towel or cheesecloth
  8. Pour the cauliflower into the towel.
  9. Grab the towel by the corners, twist the contents and start squeezing the moisture from the cauliflower.  This is a good activity for an angry or sullen teenager.
  10. Repeat this process several times for five minutes.  You should get about one cup of water from a large head.
  11. Dump the now-dry cauliflower in a clean bowl.
  12. Add eggs, cheese and pepper.
  13. Mix thoroughly.  This task should be performed by a virtuous, diligent child who follows directions reliably.
  14. After you have made the ‘dough’, transfer to a baking sheet lined with parchment paper (or foil).  If you use foil, make sure you coat lightly with olive oil or use non-stick spray.  The dough will not be sticky, but the eggs and cheese act as a binding agent during baking.
  15. Form a rectangle of approximately 9″x7″ and 1/4″ thick using your hands.
  16. Increase oven temperature to 450F and bake for 20 minutes.
  17. Remove and allow to cool before serving.

The result is a ‘bread’ that has a quiche-like consistency.

This will keep in the refrigerator for 48 hours.  Once it is cold, to prepare it you’ll want to reheat in the microwave for 30 seconds and then place in the toaster oven for 3 minutes on ‘toast’ (this is what I do).  Or, you could warm it on a skillet (this is what the Wife does for me).

We’ve experimented with the recipe and discovered that the sharp cheddar (or some other strong cheese), is critical to masking the intense cauliflower taste.  I can also recommend Asiago in lieu of the cheddar.  The Wife made it one time without the cheddar and it required additional seasonings (such as Zatarain’s Creole Seasoning), to be edible.

I consume 1/4 of the sheet of ‘bread’ at a sitting, along with meat/fish and cheese.  In my case, one batch lasts me two days as I consume 1/4 of the sheet twice per day.

This stuff will never cause you to forget how good a homemade biscuit is, or what great pizza crust is like, or how delightful angel hair pasta is tossed in seafood.  However, with the right pairings it is edible, even enjoyable, it is very filling and it has helped me make a quick and easy transition to the Keto plan.  I’m not hungry, my blood sugar dropped from 140 to 100 in a week, and my slacks have stopped shrinking.  Good luck to you.

Below are a few ways I’ve used the “bread”.

Keto Tuna for meatless Wednesdays and Fridays

Keto Sausage Biscuits 

Keto Bacon Cheeseburgers

Keto Philly Cheese Steak

Keto Pizza


The Best Homemade Fried Fish Recipe

Have you ever dreamed of making fried fish that was so good even an autistic toddler whose diet consists only of cheese hot dogs, cold ramen and frozen pizza would eat it? If so, sharpen your pencil, because I’m going to tell you how to make the best fried fish you’ve ever made (or probably eaten).

If you have six months’ advance warning, you’ll want to grow your own tilapia in a kiddie pool or 50 gallon drum in the back yard. Otherwise, go the the market or store and buy your tilapia.

Once you’ve watched your teenager whack your fish on the head with a blunt object, or had a more responsible pre-adolescent child cut it out of the bag, rinse it off with warm tap water and cut it down the middle so that the filets become asymmetrical parts. Then have your kid dry them vigorously with a paper towel, hand towel, newspaper, or one of the kids’ t-shirts.

For ladies, gay men and yankees, pour yourself a large glass of Pinot Grigio. Everyone else, pour a shot of Patron. I recommend Anejo but the recipe permits some discretion here. Sip through the following steps.

Pour vegetable oil into your deep fryer or pot. Do not succumb to the temptation to reuse oil. This is an excommunicable offense for fish. If the oil looks like sweet tea, you may use it for french fries or fried chicken on a day of the week that ends in Y but starts with a letter other than F. If it looks like the coffee they serve at the Waffle House, put it on Craigslist for free and someone will pick it up.

Let the fish sit for awhile. In a large bowl, have your teenager combine 3 eggs, 1/2 cup of pure, room-temperature water, 1 cup of flour, 5 dashes of Tabasco, 1/8 cup of salt, 1/8 cup of creole seasoning and 1/8 cup of garlic powder. Instruct the pre-adolescent child to read out loud the portions and insist that the teenager repeats the portions as added.

Once the aforementioned ingredients are well-mixed, have the younger child gently pour a room-temperature Miller Genuine Draft or Miller High Life into the bowl, stirring gently. Let it sit.

Next, have your teenager pour flour onto a plate. With a fork, bathe the fish in the flour, then submerge it into the bowl with the batter, then return it to the flour. The use of fingers here is encouraged; massage the flour and batter into the fish. Canonical digits are advised; you will not have to wash as frequently.

At this point you will undoubtedly need a refill on your beverage and you will understand the importance of keeping your forefinger and thumb together. Do not scrimp here; it is the lubricant of this process. It’s absence will ensure bland, flaccid fish that all will flee.

Once two asymmetrical pieces of fish have been sufficiently prepared, have your teenager submerge them into the oil-not dropping them-for five seconds. Then instruct your teenager to use a second fork to push the fish off into the oil. This precise step is vital to ensure your soft, flaky fish doesn’t stick to anything. If the oil is at 365F and you are at approximately 1,000′ elevation, cook the two pieces of fish-a whole filet-for five minutes. I have found that Pavarotti accompanies this process well and adds a special zest.

In the interim, your teenager will have prepared another three filets for submersion in the oil of their redemption.

At the same time, your responsible pre-adolescent is making Dad’s Special Homemade Tartar sauce. Here are the ingredients: 1 cup real Mayo, 1/4 cup dill relish, 1/2 TP salt, 1/2 TP onion powder, 1/4 TP pepper, 1 TP lemon juice. Mix. Chill.

Now the alarm which you set on your smartphone is gently reminding you the fish is ready. Your teenager will remove it from the oil and set it on the interior of the pizza box you saved from Date Night for this very purpose. As the fish relaxes, the cardboard will absorb the extra oil and you were going to throw it away anyway, so now you can engage in polemics with recycling fanatics with authority and confidence. Or, if you burn your trash in the country, you will be assured of delightful little surprises.

The fish will need to sit for a minimum of two minutes. Serve it on another piece of cardboard, or if you must use a proper plate, utilize a paper towel. If you ignore this instruction because you think you know better, you will end up with-you guessed it-flaccid fish, greasy plates and irritable children asking for peanut butter and jelly.

I encourage the consumption of fried okra, corn and/or broccoli with this meal. Yes, french fries commonly accompany fried fish but it’s simply too much for me. Some mothers have been known to serve Macaroni and Cheese as a side. Resist the temptation if possible to distract your children. When they discover this fish-or, they may operate under the assumption it is chicken-they will beg for more.

Pour yourself a congratulatory drink, sit back and enjoy!

Dad’s Special Pizza Sauce

This is Dad’s Special Pizza Sauce. Adults and children alike will love you if you get them to help in preparation.

Pour yourself a glass of wine.

It is best if you can start with tomatoes you grow in your own garden. Boil a pot of them, skin them, then mash them up (this is a good job for teenagers by the way) , then run them through the blender. Or, you can just use a 12 oz can of paste.

12 oz water(or a 12 oz can of sauce, depend upon whether you use fresh tomatoes or paste).

2 TBP garlic, minced
4 TBP honey
1 ½ tp onion poweder
½ tp oregano
½ tp marjoram
½ tp basil
½ tp pepper
¼ tp cayenne
6 tbp parm cheese
2 TBP Salt
1/2 cup chianti

Mix all of the ingredients in a large pot on the stove. Put on low to medium Heat. If it is really watery you will need to heat it for a while without the top on. If you use paste and sauce, you will not need this step.

Refill your glass.

Dad’s Special Thin Crust Pizza Recipe

I’ve made more homemade pizzas from scratch than most of you will eat in a lifetime. Want the recipe for Dad’s Special Thin Crust Pizza? Consider it my gift for the Octave of Father’s Day.

First, pour yourself a large glass of red wine. Chianti is hard to beat, or a Cabernet. Here’s your ingredient list :

9 cups of flour
3.5 TP salt
2 TP yeast
½ cup olive oil
3.5 cup cold water

Mix flour, salt and yeast together, then add oil and cold water. Get a teenager to mix and roll vigorously. Refill your wine glass.

This should make 8 thin crust pizzas. Do NOT let them rise. Pre-heat the oven to 450. Optional: check the oven to see if your Wife put a plastic cutting board with a cut up watermelon in the oven. 😠

At this point, you have an option. You can either dust the pizza pan with cornmeal, or you can oil it with a EVOO. I encourage you to try both to see which you prefer.

Place the pizza on the pan on the bottom rack of your oven for five minutes. Then remove the pizza from the pizza pan and place it back into the oven on the rack naked. Cook for another 5 minutes or so. Refill your glass.

I’ll cover Dad’s Special Pizza Sauce in another post.