The Best Homemade Fried Fish Recipe

Have you ever dreamed of making fried fish that was so good even an autistic toddler whose diet consists only of cheese hot dogs, cold ramen and frozen pizza would eat it? If so, sharpen your pencil, because I’m going to tell you how to make the best fried fish you’ve ever made (or probably eaten).

If you have six months’ advance warning, you’ll want to grow your own tilapia in a kiddie pool or 50 gallon drum in the back yard. Otherwise, go the the market or store and buy your tilapia.

Once you’ve watched your teenager whack your fish on the head with a blunt object, or had a more responsible pre-adolescent child cut it out of the bag, rinse it off with warm tap water and cut it down the middle so that the filets become asymmetrical parts. Then have your kid dry them vigorously with a paper towel, hand towel, newspaper, or one of the kids’ t-shirts.

For ladies, gay men and yankees, pour yourself a large glass of Pinot Grigio. Everyone else, pour a shot of Patron. I recommend Anejo but the recipe permits some discretion here. Sip through the following steps.

Pour vegetable oil into your deep fryer or pot. Do not succumb to the temptation to reuse oil. This is an excommunicable offense for fish. If the oil looks like sweet tea, you may use it for french fries or fried chicken on a day of the week that ends in Y but … Read the rest

Dad’s Special Pizza Sauce

This is Dad’s Special Pizza Sauce. Adults and children alike will love you if you get them to help in preparation.

Pour yourself a glass of wine.

It is best if you can start with tomatoes you grow in your own garden. Boil a pot of them, skin them, then mash them up (this is a good job for teenagers by the way) , then run them through the blender. Or, you can just use a 12 oz can of paste.

12 oz water(or a 12 oz can of sauce, depend upon whether you use fresh tomatoes or paste).

2 TBP garlic, minced
4 TBP honey
1 ½ tp onion poweder
½ tp oregano
½ tp marjoram
½ tp basil
½ tp pepper
¼ tp cayenne
6 tbp parm cheese
2 TBP Salt
1/2 cup chianti

Mix all of the ingredients in a large pot on the stove. Put on low to medium Heat. If it is really watery you will need to heat it for a while without the top on. If you use paste and sauce, you will not need this step.

Refill your glass.

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Dad’s Special Thin Crust Pizza Recipe

I’ve made more homemade pizzas from scratch than most of you will eat in a lifetime. Want the recipe for Dad’s Special Thin Crust Pizza? Consider it my gift for the Octave of Father’s Day.

First, pour yourself a large glass of red wine. Chianti is hard to beat, or a Cabernet. Here’s your ingredient list :

9 cups of flour
3.5 TP salt
2 TP yeast
½ cup olive oil
3.5 cup cold water

Mix flour, salt and yeast together, then add oil and cold water. Get a teenager to mix and roll vigorously. Refill your wine glass.

This should make 8 thin crust pizzas. Do NOT let them rise. Pre-heat the oven to 450. Optional: check the oven to see if your Wife put a plastic cutting board with a cut up watermelon in the oven. 😠

At this point, you have an option. You can either dust the pizza pan with cornmeal, or you can oil it with a EVOO. I encourage you to try both to see which you prefer.

Place the pizza on the pan on the bottom rack of your oven for five minutes. Then remove the pizza from the pizza pan and place it back into the oven on the rack naked. Cook for another 5 minutes or so. Refill your glass.

I’ll cover Dad’s Special Pizza Sauce in another post.

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